Does the quality of your relationships – to family, friends, business connections – really matter?

According to research, having healthy social relationships predicts long-term happiness better than anything else. In fact, a recently completed Harvard study found that satisfaction with relationships also predicts our long-term health! [Harvard Study of Adult Development]

So, to have long, happy, and healthy lives, it’s worth investing in our relationships. How can we “optimize” our relationships with loved ones, work colleagues, and others in our community?

Much of the relationship advice you can find centers on what to say and do. For sure, some of this advice is very useful. For example, it’s useful to learn to express what we want, without coming across as critical or demanding.

However, there’s an important key that’s often overlooked: our emotional state.

Often when people express what they want, it’s after their emotional buttons have gotten pushed. Perhaps they think their partner is blaming or ignoring them, or not treating them with respect. And here’s the deal… If we’re feeling angry, or afraid the other person won’t hear us out, or any other strong emotion, then,  no matter how good our communication skills are, it’s unlikely we’ll get a good response from the other person. It’s more likely that the other person goes into their own reactive mode, and gets their buttons pushed, even if we’re using all the right words!

Some of the most respected couples therapists report that when one or both partners are highly reactive, and go into a fight-or-flight response, there isn’t really a productive way forward – at least not until that reaction has calmed down.

**So, to be on the easy path to a healthier relationship means we need to have a way to transform our reactivity, that really works.**